196: How to heal your stress of not being enough of a man
This is going to be a good episode for my male listeners and my female listeners, so that you can have some more compassion towards men (cc: Be A Lover, Not A Mother) and understand that they have struggles too.
- The stress of not being 'enough of a man'
- External factors, and what your partner actually deems as being 'a man'
- Looking at the root of feeling not 'enough'
- You saying "I want to be a better man" isn't admitting fault. It's saying that you want more for yourself, which is an attractive trait.
The stress of not being "enough" of a man is a real thing for men that are too stuck in their ego. Feeling not enough for anything comes from a trauma response. You're not born feeling not enough. You're born blank and then things happen around you which cause you to feel not enough.
You'll notice, it's from a very external point of view. It's not "I'm enough of a man when I respect myself", it's "I'm enough of a man when I have XYZ" from an external factor. And I'm not diminishing those things. Let's be real guys, it's nice to have the job you want, the partner you want, the house you want. We're just saying, you're not going to feel enough when you have those things. You will feel enough when you heal the shit that makes you not feel enough.
Men, often when you're trying to be enough of a man, it's really for other people. If you were to ask a women what they see as being enough a man, I also will guarantee that it will not be that you think. The things you're generally stressing about will be external things like money, appearance, car, success, achievements, but I guarantee if you ask your partner what they see as being "a man" they will say things that you're NOT stressing about. At the end of the day if you're trying to be enough of a man for a feminine women (that's secure, grounded, aware of herself and not living out trauma patterns) a good man is a man that is grounded, has integrity, is present, invests time, energy, resources in you, makes you feel cherished, protected and seen. All these things are not from external things.
Obviously yes, women like men who can make money so we feel provided. But women also know if you're making a million dollars a year but you're not present, you don't plan dates, you don't give us affection, you're not making us feel seen, you're not providing. Because the 'providing' is actually more of an energy than just the money. The way in which you act and the energy which you bring, that is the providing. You're probably trying to live out societies expectations of a man, versus being really grounded. Make sure that your actions are showing your manliness rather than just external factors.
By wanting more, it doesn't mean that you're a broken human or not enough of a man. It's sexy. It's saying that you want to be even better. It's saying that you want to grow and evolve. It's so attractive when a man wants to work on himself. Why? Because it has this growth mindset where women feel like no matter what, a man is going to constantly reflect on himself and be a better human. It's an attractive quality when someone wants to be the best possible version of themselves.