Stop Making Him Wrong! Be Aware Of Conditional Love In Your Relationship

There’s a trend I’ve been seeing lately, especially in the personal development space, that I need to talk about. It’s this entitlement that some successful women have—this mindset of no man is enough for me. And honestly? It’s total bullshit.

I see it all the time with my clients. Women who’ve done so much work on themselves, who are growing, evolving, leveling up… and then they start looking at their partner and thinking, Why aren’t you keeping up? Why aren’t you growing at the same pace as me? Maybe we’re not compatible anymore.

And that’s when they start making their man wrong for simply being on his own journey.

Here’s where personal development gets a bad rap... A lot of women think, "I’ve done all this inner work, I’m self-aware, I’m emotionally intelligent… I’m basically a goddess now." And then suddenly, their partner is beneath them.

And I’m here to say: Get the f*ck off that pedestal.

True personal growth is about embodiment, not just knowledge. And if you’re walking around thinking you’re “better” than your man because you’ve done mindset work, all you’ve done is swap one form of conditioning for another. You haven’t grown—you’ve just inflated your ego.

The whole point of personal development is to expand your capacity for unconditional love—for yourself and for others. But if you start loving your man conditionally (I’ll love him more when he finally reads that self-help book, when he starts journaling, when he meditates like me), you’re actually moving backward.

If you only know how to conditionally love yourself (I’ll love myself when I hit 7 figures, when I look a certain way, when I’ve healed all my trauma), then guess what? You’re going to do the exact same thing to your partner.

When women feel like their partner isn’t growing “fast enough,” they start withdrawing love. The energy shifts. The resentment builds. And instead of making him want to step up, it actually does the opposite.

Women tend to think: If I just stop giving him so much love and approval, he’ll feel the pressure to rise and meet me at my level.

No. That’s not how men work.

A woman will rise when she feels pressure because we have this biological need to be accepted by the community. It’s literally wired into us. But men? They don’t work that way. When you shame or emasculate a man, he doesn’t rise—he shrinks. He withdraws. He gets stuck.

And that’s when women come to me saying, "He’s not stepping up. He’s getting even more distant. I don’t know if I want to be in this anymore."

Well… maybe it’s because your energy has been saying, You’re not enough for me.

First, let go of the perfectionism. You’re not perfect either. There are plenty of things you do that annoy the shit out of him. So stop acting like the enlightened queen who has it all figured out while he’s trailing behind.

Second, stop withdrawing love. Love him as he is, not as who you want him to become. That’s what actually creates safety and space for him to grow. Men thrive in an environment where they feel respected and admired, not where they’re constantly being measured against an unrealistic standard.

Third, recognize that men and women operate differently. What looks like personal growth for you—therapy, journaling, deep conversations—might look totally different for him. His version of personal growth might be quiet confidence, strong decision-making, and unwavering stability. That doesn’t make him less developed than you. It makes him a man.

Now, I’m not saying to stay in a relationship where your core values aren’t aligned. That’s a different conversation.

But I see women confuse values with dreams all the time.

For example, let’s say you’re building a multi-million dollar business, and he wants a simple life, being home with the kids. A lot of women will look at that and think, We’re not aligned. We’re on different paths.

But are your values different… or just your dreams?

If you strip it back, maybe your shared value is freedom—you both want to wake up every day feeling joyful and fulfilled. For you, that looks like running an empire. For him, that looks like being deeply present with family.

If you can both accept each other’s version of happiness, then you’re aligned. But if you force him to chase the same dream as you, you’re not loving him for who he truly is—you’re trying to mold him into someone else. And that’s where relationships start to crack.

I had to learn this firsthand in my own relationship. I’m a generator—I go, go, go. My husband, on the other hand, is a reflector—the exact opposite of me. It frustrated the hell out of me at first.

I’d expect him to work the way I work, think the way I think, move at the same speed as me. But once I truly started embodying unconditional love, I stopped trying to change him. I saw that his way of working is exactly right for him. And when he honors his energy, he’s actually more productive than if he tried to force himself into my pace.

It’s not about “fixing” your partner. It’s about understanding them, respecting them, and allowing them to be fully themselves.

That’s the work. That’s the real test of personal growth.

And that’s how you build a relationship that actually thrives.