Why Modern Women Secretly Crave to Submit—And There’s Nothing Wrong With That

You’ve probably heard it before: “Strong, independent women don’t need a man.”

It’s the mantra of our generation, slapped across Pinterest boards, tote bags, and Instagram captions like a badge of honor. But if that’s true, why are so many women burnt out, overwhelmed, and quietly aching to feel held and secretly craving to let someone else take the reins for a moment?

It’s biology, polarity, and the feminine longing for surrender.

Somewhere along the line, we’ve gone from being taken out of the housewife box and being put into the girlboss box. It’s time we create our own box that actually makes us happy in a given season of life. 

The feminist movement has undeniably paved the way for women’s rights, granting access to opportunities once deemed unattainable. However, feminism’s promise of freedom turned into an exhausting checklist of masculine energy: Hustle. Achieve. Control everything. Never need a man. 

While independence is beautiful, many modern women aren’t just independent – they’re stuck in hyper-independence, gripping at control because they don’t trust anyone else to show up for them. They feel compelled to manage every aspect of their lives without support. They’re waiting to be disappointed, let down and have to ‘just do it themselves.’ 

Hyper-independence is a nervous system response, not a personality trait. It’s the result of women learning, consciously or not, that they’re safer when they’re in control. That surrender equals danger and that softness makes them vulnerable. And so, without realizing it, they live in a permanent state of masculine overdrive. Not only does this give them the illusion of safety, but it also becomes addictive. The adrenaline rush of being ‘on’ all the time, staying in control, problem-solving becomes something that “feels good” and letting go feels scary and unsafe in their body. 

But the reality is, that the feminine is never more powerful than when she feels safe enough to let go. When she surrenders and is able to receive, her energy is magnetic and radiant. Women’s bodies are designed for connection. We have more sensitive nervous systems and our cycles mean that prolonged states of stress and being in hyper masculine energy, causes hormonal imbalances and fertility issues. 

This desire to surrender is hardwired into our biology. Men are designed to give, protect and provide. It’s not just “societal programming.” It’s wired into our hormonal profiles and thus why men and women operate, think and behave so differently. 

Female nervous systems are wired for attunement, which means our bodies regulate best when we feel supported, seen, and held. This is why, as I talk about in my book Becoming Her, when a woman finally feels safe to soften, her whole body heals. Her hormones rebalance, her cycle improves, and her creativity explodes.

You don’t heal, thrive, or fall wildly in love by micromanaging everything. You heal when you exhale.

So many modern women are missing permission to stop gripping and start receiving.

The word submission makes the internet combust, but only because people don’t understand what true, feminine surrender actually is.

I call it being “Empoweredly Submissive.”

It’s when a woman chooses to soften. She chooses to lean back. True feminine surrender is an empowered choice. It’s about consciously deciding to lean back, to trust a partner to lead, not out of obligation, but because it feels inherently good in your body. 

It’s not about giving up power; it’s about recognizing that your real power is in how safe you feel to let go and that in order to truly let go, you have to have such deep confidence in owning your “no” and speaking your truth that only the most confident women are able to truly surrender.

Plus, when women learn how to rewire their nervous system, heal the trauma behind their control patterns, and feel safe to trust the masculine, they no longer need to carry everything. They no longer need to live in the exhausting energy of "I’ll just do it myself."

Healing your fear of letting go of control starts with creating safety in your body, not just your mind. You can’t think your way into surrender, you have to feel safe enough to soften. You may have to heal society trauma and the conditioning of feminism and the ‘girlboss’ culture, as well as healing childhood programming and the blueprint that you were given growing up. 

Start to get curious, about why you learned to control in the first place. Because behind the control is a wound that needs to be healed so that you are no longer getting triggered in situations, as your triggers indicate unhealed trauma. When you begin to heal that wound, surrender isn’t just possible…it becomes pleasurable. 

The next wave of feminine empowerment isn’t about competing with men or proving how independent we are. It’s about reclaiming the very thing modern society has shamed out of us…surrender. 

This doesn’t mean you abandon your ambition. It means you create a life where you don’t have to be in your masculine all the time just to feel safe. It means you know when to lead — and when to let yourself be led. It means you finally give yourself permission to experience what it feels like to soften and let go.

You do not need to compete with other women or men to feel “enough.”

You do not need to betray your natural desires and hormonal profile just to be successful.

Let this article give you permission to listen to your heart’s desires instead of ticking the boxes that someone else gave you to feel like a “good enough woman.”

If you’re reading this and something in your body is going, “YES… I want this,” then my book Becoming HER is going to be your bedtime obsession. It’s the unapologetic, no-fluff guide to healing your trauma, releasing control, and coming home to your feminine power (not the watered-down, fluffy kind—but the embodied, magnetic kind that changes your relationships, your career, and how the world responds to you).

You were meant to receive.