178: Sex Life (Part 3) | Communicating your desires & hot sex vs. safety (you can have it all)
Welcome to part 3 of the Sex Life series. If you haven't listened to part 1 & 2, do this first! Part 3 is all about episodes 5 & 6.
Firstly, if a dude sang to me like Brad did for Billie at his party, I would be like "have my babies right here right now". Who wouldn't get into a trauma bond after that, hat goes off to you if you wouldn't.
Let's cut to the scene when Cooper is trying to do the same sex move that Brad did to Billie (coital alignment technique). I mean, poor Cooper. He is really trying to be the man and to please Billie, but he's not going about it the right way, and Billie is also not being warm and open to him. She's angry at him for him trying to be Brad. But what do you expect?! She's not communicating to him what she needs. The bottom line is, they both need to learn the right way to communicate. What's actually deep down in this whole scenario, is that Billie doesn't feel wanted, desired or ravished. She wants to feel like she's in her feminine, but she's not explaining it Cooper. So Cooper is trying to do what's right in front of him, the journal, rather than communicating to her 'babe, what are your needs, what are your feelings?' There's no open conversation about their sex life.
This episode also brings to light how in relationships we can often get sucked into routine. For example, when they're sitting on the end of the bed and Billie says 'you haven't even touched me since we had kids'. And Cooper is completely oblivious to this. So I do love how this show highlights how parents can get stuck in routine with their children and work. And even just relationships in general, how we can get stuck into mundane routines. That's why it's so important that you're constantly putting effort into relationships. People think relationships should be flowy and easy, and that they require no effort. That's not true. Change allows us to feel excited as human beings. Why do you think so many people last year (during Covid/lockdown) felt like their relationships were struggling? It was because we were doing the same shit all the time.
This scene also allowed us to see that men are single focused beings. Cooper is occupied with work. He comes home exhausted. Then he's focused on the kids. There's no moment that we know of, where Billie has put on a sexy outfit, sent him a dirty text message, to allow him to want to desire her. It is a two way street. So Billie is blaming Cooper. But the reality is Billie also has a role to play in this. She also needs to speak up about her sexual desires.
Now let's jump forward to when Brad found out Billie was pregnant. This goes without saying, his response was obviously shocking and not ok. This was his trauma response. Was he intending to be an arsehole? No. What we do know is that he deflects a lot and he is being logical when he says 'you have two years left on your PhD'. And remember, as a generalisation, men are more logical, and women are more emotional. And ladies, if you got triggered by me saying 'women are more emotional', that's not a bad thing. Men love that we are emotional, tapped in and intuitive, because they don't have that as much. Just like we love how men are more logical. And if you say you wish men were more emotional, trust me, you don't. Go and date a really emotional man and you'll be like fuck, Monica was right. When a man is too emotional towards a women at the wrong place, wrong time it makes us feel unsafe. You want a man that is more logical because you will feel safer, your feminine will be a lot more expressed and you'll feel a lot more relaxed in your nervous system.
The bottom line, he is absolutely petrified of being a father because of his upbringing. He is projecting his fear of being a bad dad because he was so hurt by his dad.
Now, let's jump forward to the dinner where they go on the double date. I mean, what an idiot idea. This whole scene is a pile of him projecting his trauma and him being super avoidant, unhealthy because he's feeling so rejected and his ego has been shot. So now he's trying to build his ego back up. He's wanting to feel desired by a women like Billie desires Brad. Hence why he is now getting (and allowing himself to get) attention from his co-worker. Now, it is understandable but it doesn't help the situation out whatsoever. Can you guys see how neither of them are trying to fix it? They're not getting to the root. Double date? Terrible idea. Actively seeking attention from his co-worker? Terrible idea. They are both being avoidant until everything blows up.
Brad talking at dinner was so manipulative. A mature man would have spoken to her separately like "Billie I really don't feel like you're happy" and "what happened to your PhD, you always wanted to do this"... and it would be coming from a heart space, concern and maturity. Manipulation is not maturity. His intention did seem pure though, because he didn't think she was happy. But it was a wounded way to go around it.
Billie then rushes to the bathroom. I wasn't impressed that Brad didn't listen to Billie when she asked him to get out and he was being very forceful about not leaving. I'm all about being pursued, but don't be fucking aggressive about it. If I've said a hard STOP - don't keep going. If I've said LEAVE THE ROOM, I DON'T WANT YOU HERE- leave.
I did love when Sasha enters the bathroom and stood up for Billie's higher self and said something along the lines of "if you want to fuck shit up, go ahead and fuck shit up, but I'm not going to be here for this". That's a good friend. Do you know what makes a shit friend? Someone who won't call you out for your BS. Shit friends who see you have spinach in your teeth but don't say anything because they're afraid of hurting you by saying something that might trigger you. Good friends are the friends that are like "bitch your behaviour is disgusting, clear your shit up".
When Brad sends Billie a parcel delivery of baby clothes, this was Brad's way of saying sorry. Narcissists don't say sorry because they do not admit to fault, they just start acting nice again, gaslight and make you think you're wrong. So he's not a narcissist. He is saying sorry. Obviously it would have been better if he said sorry in person as there needed to be a full conversation about it. She needed to draw boundaries, not be a doormat and let him know that she wouldn't put up with mediocre behaviour.
When Brad and Billie are having drinks at the bar, we find out about Brad's dad. Wow, this was so healing for him. And this is allows you to see that this healing work (even if it's just basis shit like talking to someone and getting the real story) can completely change you. Brad, I fucking love you (lol). He is a softie inside but puts on quite a show. I love this open heart scene, it was really beautiful. And we now understand where all of his trauma is coming from (cue Queen Alchemy for those women needing to do this, cue 1:1 coaching for all those men needing to do this). Fix your fucking trauma, it will change your LIFE.
You can have it all. The hot sex and safety. You just need to be honest with yourself and communicate your desires.
When you are unafraid to be really expressed, and you don't have any sexual shame about the fact that you love sex (hello Samantha Jones vibes), you will just walk up to a dude in a bar and be like "hey, are you single? Cool, let's fuck" or communicate to your partner "hey, I want you to tie me up and choke me tonight".
Ladies, remember Queen Alchemy is open for enrolment. This round is ALMOST full and it's the LAST round of 2021.