What to do When You’re Comparing Yourself to Women in Porn

Ah, porn. It either gets people off, or it sets people off. Which are you? 👀

For a lottttt of women, porn makes them feel down about themselves. They struggle with ‘comparisonitis’, asking themselves questions like:

“Am I not good enough in bed for him?”

“Do I need to do certain positions in order for him to get off?”

“Does he wish I looked like her?”

And while we may be quick to point the finger at men who say, “I saw this in porn, can we do it?” — there's more to it than that. (But seriously, men, do NOT ask that, it doesn’t make any woman feel good.)

First, remember that the woman in the porn is nothing like you.

This isn’t degrading or shaming women in porn, it’s just facts. That is her job, and she’s in a completely different bracket than you. When your man sees a woman in porn, or in a sexy movie, show, whatever it is, they’re not even seeing that woman: they’re seeing p*ssy. 

They’re seeing this sexual act that turns them on. They’re seeing a hot scene, and they’re immediately perked up with their sex sensors being like, oh hellllllo. Their mind is jumping to sex and being turned on — it isn’t comparing the woman to you, it’s just the natural response. 

And remember, you get these responses too! Men just feel it on a larger scale because of good ole testosterone.

Sometimes sex is effort, and porn is easy.

Realistically, sex requires some effort. (At least you’d hope so LOL).

If you are absolutely exhausted, you're probably not gonna be interested in sex, and it's not really gonna be that enjoyable. You might have it, but you're not really gonna get that much out of it because sex and that level of intimacy requires energy. 

Sometimes we all just wanna get off and have our release. We want to call it a day and not need to involve somebody else (or not need to get his sweat all over you or whatever your reason is). I know you can feel me on this point!

And isn't it fascinating that women are allowed to talk about this, and be empowered talking about sex and masturbation, but it’s not the same story for men. He is allowed to be tired or only want masturbation too! 

And the facts are that men are not as imaginative as women. So, we can get off in our minds, either with a sexy book or pure imagination, and they need more guidance, they need visuals. Do you see where I’m going with this? Porn is that visual, and porn is easy.

There’s no right or wrong way to masturbate.

I always find it fascinating when we give a woman permission to go and masturbate and do whatever she wants to get herself off. But as soon as a man does what he wants to get himself off, women are like, “that's so wrong, you have to do it this way”. 

But really what you’re saying is that he has to do it a woman's way. 

Well, what if a man says, “You're only allowed to get off doing it a man's way”? Then what would happen? The double standards that exist (we're all aware of them) are real. 

And so when we come to light usage of porn, I personally don't think that there is an issue. (Notice I say light usage: porn addiction is a very real thing and this isn’t speaking to that).

So, how do you navigate this topic with your partner?

It’s something that can be a little bit triggering for women and just a little bit sticky (seriously, no pun intended).

I would encourage you to have a conversation around limits with your partner — what you both enjoy, your views on porn, your versions of self-pleasure. Once you understand each other, it makes things a lot easier. And maybe he’ll be able to ease your comparisonitis and realize his porn usage is not a reflection of you.

I dove wayyy deeper into the topic of porn in ep. 316 of my podcast: Monica’s Hot Take on Porn & Porn “Addiction” in Your Relationship - Sexual Desires, Shame, Comparisonitis, Double Standards, and How to Have Hard Conversations with Your Partner on Touchy Topics, so be sure to give it a listen.

And if you’re needing more intimate help and guidance from me, check out these programs:

• Be a Lover, Not a Mother is your guide to stop emasculating men and letting them lead
• Queen Alchemy will help you heal your trauma and get into your feminine energy

xx Monica