The 6 Things You Need in a Healthy Relationship

When we think of healthy relationships these days, we often think of constant sex, never disagreeing, and always looking at each other in a way that makes everyone's heart melt. 

But is that really the reality? Nope. (literally lol at the idea of never disagreeing, right?)

Relationships, especially healthy ones, are the most triggering of all for someone who isn't healed. A person with self-respect isn't going to tolerate your backhanded remarks, emasculation, or disrespect. So they're going to draw boundaries and not accept such behavior, which could trigger you.

And of course, when you have two insecure and emotionally unregulated people together, the bad behavior is normalized, allowed, and something that you don't need to work on. However, the resentment is still very much festering, as is a feeling of insecurity.

Secure people speak up. Insecure people suppress (to keep it short).

When you grow up in an environment where you learn that you won't get your emotional needs met and that it's better to stay quiet, you learn to please everyone around you except yourself. Additionally, a parent that cannot help you regulate emotions results in an adult that cannot regulate themselves in moments of tension, stress, or disagreement — only creating more unsafety in the relationship.

When you google "what does a healthy relationship look like" you get the generic response of trust, communication, boundaries, and consent. That's great, but what does that even look like, especially for someone that doesn't know their own needs, let alone know how to express them?

So, here are 6 things that are vital if you want a healthy relationship:

1. Self-regulation. Unfortunately, when you've grown up without emotional regulation from your parents, particularly your mother, it isn't an innate ability you then have as an adult. Nonetheless, it's incredibly vital to learn. When you outsource your self of power, safety, and emotional regulation to your partner, you lose your self of self-trust. When they're in a bad mood, as are you. When you're triggered, you rely on them to calm you down. Eventually, you start treating your partner more like a parent than a lover.

2. Learning not to people please. When you people please as a way to avoid rejection, abandonment, abuse, etc., it builds resentment over time. Saying "yes" when you really meant "no" doesn't just disappear and get forgotten. It sticks with you and soon festers into resentment. The reality is that whilst you might start to resent them, you're also resenting yourself for not having your own back and for not speaking up, and the self-shame spiral isn't one that's going to cause more good times in the relationship.

3. Healing your wounds. You're essentially on a battlefield when you are in a relationship with wide-open wounds. The smallest things might feel like you're being punctured, and whilst your lover isn't trying to hurt you, your past makes it feel like they are. It's torture and it's a recipe for emotional outbursts, insecurity, and low intimacy. Whilst perfection doesn't exist, being able to hold yourself, brush things off, and not get triggered over minor things is necessary for your own mental health and the stability of the relationship.

4. Building a sense of self. Many people enter relationships to fill a void. Maybe they go from one relationship to another, or they feel more secure when they're with someone else. The problem with this is that you never know YOURSELF as an independent, unique person outside of the relationship. So you easily 'lose yourself' as you don't even know what YOU look/feel like in the first place. Knowing yourself, having your own back, and being committed to your highest version of yourself is essential for independence in the relationship — this supports the foundation of intimacy, love, trust, and respect.

5. Letting go. As a woman, you want to be the feminine pole in the relationship. If you cannot surrender and let go, you're going to find yourself 'butting heads' with your masculine partner. Of course, if you're a man reading this, then being the masculine pole in the relationship will give you the most fulfillment and purpose that comes from being the director, leader, and protector. For women, the most fulfilling and devoted relationships are felt when we can relax into him. When you allow yourself to let go of the day and surrender to his leadership, it allows your body and nervous system to relax and soften into safety and pleasure. This is the crux of healthy polarity and thus sexual chemistry, which is essential for a long-lasting, healthy, and sexually fulfilling relationship.

6. Trust and respect are paramount. Going on from the previous point, when there is a lack of polarity you'll find that bitterness, frustration, and tension can start to arise because needs, desires, and wants aren't being met. Over time, the bitterness can turn into snarky remarks and disrespect because we're trying to get him/her to meet us where we want to be met, and it's just not happening. Once you've tried and tried and tried, the uphill battle gets exhausting and your 'bitter b*tch' or 'bitter boy' can come out to try and be 'seen.' Of course, the reality is that it'll just push your partner further away, reduce the trust and mutual respect, and dampen the intimacy and safety essential for a healthy, thriving relationship. To avoid getting to this point, it's vital that you start to learn how to voice your needs and wants in a sexy, seductive, and healthy way that invites your partner into you — rather than making them feel shame for not doing/being enough and making them feel closed off.

And remember: communication is everything.

With all these points, the tone of voice, environment, and body language will vastly change how they receive your feedback. Knowing how your lover likes to be communicated to, how they respond to different stimuli, and the best time of day for them to be receptive will vastly change the outcomes of the conversation.

xx Monica

If you're seeking the healthy, sexy, and fulfilling relationship you've always dreamed of, you'll want to check out these programs:

• Queen Alchemy will help you heal your trauma and get into your feminine energy
• Be a Lover, Not a Mother is your guide to stop emasculating men and letting them lead.
• The Embodiment of Dating is for you to understand the biology of dating, and how to attract a man that leads you.

Plus, need something to listen to on-the-go? You'll love these relationship-focused episodes of the podcast:

• 315: How To Manifest Your Man (or Turn Up The Polarity in Your Current Relationship): The Art of Masculine Claiming, Feminine Receivership, and The Often Missed KEY Pieces in Manifestation

• 308: The Energetics of Getting Your Man to Lead You | The Bitter B*tch, Dangerous Femininity, & Getting Radically Honest in Your Relationship

• 281: Practices I Use to Protect My Environment, Time, Relationships, and Self

• 268: Is co-dependency always bad? What does a healthy relationship actually look like?