The Postpartum Resentment No One Warns You About

No one tells you about the rage you feel towards your husband after you have a baby. Literally, no one. So I'm here to say these words aloud... they're words I wish I was prepared for before our son was born.

So yea, whilst no one warns you about the resentment (and dare I say, rage), that you have for your husband after having a baby, it's a very real sensation. And this is coming from a woman who I want to make it crystal clear... is deeply supported, led, cherished, and safe in her relationship. 

Spoiler alert: Having a baby has actually deepened our polarity, but just not in the ways you'd expect (you can read about that here).

So let me first say, I had my ideal dream birth; breastfeeding was easy, natural, and painless from the first latch; I had a ton of help and support postpartum; AND I completely understand why women talk about this resentment they feel and the downfall of their marriage after having a baby. If you don't proactively solve for it on, like, a weekly basis, you will end up in the percentage of couples with major relationship dissatisfaction that the research reports. 

Here's where my work comes in, though. I'm not going to tell you that you just need to be grateful for him. No matter how easy your postpartum has been (heck, maybe you're 15 years postpartum!!), the load of being a mother is unexplainable. 

The issue lies in that women expect their husbands to see and understand them as only another woman can. If you were to look through his eyes, he wouldn't see the stuff going moldy in the fridge. And, he literally cannot comprehend the level of thirst that shocks your body as soon as your baby latches. 

So the resentment and "hate"—dare I say—doesn't come from us actually hating our man. It comes from us women deeply wishing he could say enough or do enough to make us feel a way we can't even articulate. Add the sleep deprivation, hormonal roller coaster, and increased prolactin (it can make you feel constantly angry) if you're breast-feeding; it doesn't exactly help. 

It's that feeling you get when he goes to the gym and can do so without wondering, "When does baby need his next feed?" Or the fact that even though he might be working all day, he's not being touched and wanted 24/7. So yes, working an 18-hour day can seem more enticing than being needed all day by your baby. 

The mental control and emotional regulation I've been practicing since the day Tripp was born is REAL. Parenting and polarity are wildly different after you have kids. And the tips, communication, mindset shifts, and understanding of the opposite sex's brain are more important in this phase of life than any other. 

Because if you don't understand the opposite sex, your relationship will fall apart when it doesn't need to. 

It's not just about women needing to understand men and not emasculate them. It's also about men needing to understand women. 

Knowing what can be shifted so that he's leading you, and so that you're feeling like you're fully able to soften into your feminine, (rather than the need to go into control mode because of the postpartum resentment) is so important. 

All in all, in the moments when my brain thinks "I hate you," I'm able to know where it's coming from, what I need to validate for myself, what I need to communicate about, and how I can ask for what I need. 

Our polarity has only deepened through this testing time. Hal has become more aware of the little environmental shifts and words that will make it more likely for me to be pissed off at him. He's understanding of the hormonal rollercoaster of postpartum. And he's realised that his logic has no place in my very emotional experience of motherhood. 

If you’re moving through this time of feeling rage towards your husband, and need a little extra TLC for your nervous system (and who doesn’t whilst they’re postpartum?!), get your hands on my Mother’s Nervous System Regulation Meditation that, frankly, every mother needs on her phone.