Why High-Achieving Women Can't Ask for Help (and Why Mindset Work Won't Fix It)

A mama all the way in LA had a baby a few weeks after Tripp was born. She had to all of a sudden stop breastfeeding him because of a serious and sudden back surgery that she needed, and she was heartbroken. So I reached out to her and said I'd be happy to help.

We first sent a bunch of my small (but mighty) freezer stash as I worked on increasing my milk supply so I could send her more, whilst still feeding Tripp and having enough in our freezer for when I wasn't around to feed him myself.

Whenever I would text her saying that we were about to send more, she'd text back the same thing... "I feel so uncomfortable. I feel so bad. I don't know how to thank you."

She felt "so guilty." (Which, my goodness, old me understands!)

The first few times, I tried to talk her out of it. Then I realised what was actually happening.

She is a high-achieving woman in her late 30s who has spent her entire life proving she can do it herself, and the act of letting another woman feed her baby was literally rewiring something in her body.

She felt like a failure for receiving.

Meanwhile, I'm like, THIS IS A FKN HONOUR to be helping another mother in this way. (Just to paint the picture, I'm that friend who will fly to another country for a postpartum mumma who needs any sort of help. I'll send breastmilk, and I'll answer the 3am phone call.)

For a deep dive into why high-performing women struggle to ask for and receive help, check out this juicy podcast episode. ↓

The reality is, 71% of the household mental load is sitting on women, and 41% of women in the US are now the breadwinners.

We are working like men during the day; are the default parent at night; do most of the housework; and manage the meal planning, the school admin, the kids' birthday parties, and the bloody Christmas presents.

And we are not asking for help??!!!!!

Not from our husbands. Not from our mothers-in-law. Not from our friends. Not from the women in our lives who would genuinely give us anything we asked for. (HI, ME!!!!)

The reason being, somewhere in your past, you made a promise to yourself that asking for help made you weak. That receiving made you a failure. That needing anyone was the opposite of being a strong, capable, and ambitious woman.

That if you couldn't do it alone, you didn't earn it. The f*ck???

I need you to hear me on this.

You learned that asking for help and receiving help = unsafe and vulnerable. You could be used, hurt, judged, or rejected. And so, of course, your body is going to protect you from that state. Because clearly, you were hurt in the past when you were in this embodiment.

But I know how tired you are of being the strong one. Of feeling like you can "do it yourself" and that you actually do validate yourself more when you're exhausted because then you've "earned" your rest.

Working like a man won't get you the success and happiness you're looking for.

Not to mention, you can't think your way out of a trauma response. This is why you know you need to delegate more, but then can't seem to actually do it. The resistance to asking for help and receiving it lives in your BODY, so mindset alone isn't going to clear this block.

I know this feeling deeply... I had a trauma response of running the show while everyone around me thought I had it all together. I told myself I was just productive and driven.

You can't think your way out of a trauma response. The body that learned "I have to do it all" can't simply be told to “just ask for help."

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