Why You Stay in Unhealthy Relationships (Even When You Know You Deserve Better)

With October being Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I felt it was important and timely to address the trauma-driven dynamics and layered complexities of unhealthy relationships.

First things first, abuse isn’t always physical. It can also be emotional, mental, and/or verbal, and its subtle patterns can chip away at your self-worth, intuition, and power over time. 

And when it happens gradually… when you’re IN IT… you may not even realise it’s abuse or how deep it’s gone until you wake up one day and you barely recognise yourself.

• You're questioning your worth.

• You can’t hear your own intuition.

• You’ve lost your voice, your softness, your radiance.

Even though part of you knows this isn’t actually love, your body is still clinging to the good moments, the dopamine hits, and the comfort of the familiar. And that’s what keeps you hooked. 

But what I really, REALLY want you to know is that the real reason you've stayed isn’t because you’re weak, naive, or broken. It’s because your nervous system was trained to feel safe in chaos. 

And the worst part? Your body starts associating the anxiety, the shutdown, and the walking on eggshells with love. You think maybe this time he’ll change. You start blaming yourself—maybe if you were softer, more understanding, or less reactive, then he’d treat you better. You keep waiting for the man he was in the beginning to come back, or you keep choosing to remember only the good days, because that’s the only way your heart can justify staying.

But your nervous system isn’t confused because you’re weak. It’s confused because chaos is what it was trained to expect. So even when a part of you knows this isn’t it—the love you long for and a relationship that honours you—your body keeps reaching for the very thing that’s hurting you because it’s all she’s ever known.

Prefer to listen to the voice note version of this post? Check out the podcast episode here! ↓

This state of your nervous system feeling safe in chaos also makes manipulation feel like connection and gaslighting feel totally normal... and the man who treats you well? He feels boring, or even unsafe, because your body doesn’t recognise what true safety actually feels like.

When you’ve spent enough time being made to feel like you’re not enough, you even start abusing yourself. You question your reality, you second-guess your gut, and you gaslight yourself.

And through it all, your body gets addicted to the rollercoaster—the lows that break you down and the highs that convince you to stay. It's the trauma bond that keeps you stuck. That’s what makes it feel impossible to leave, even when it’s clear this man is not good for you.

If you’ve ever been there, or are there currently, I want to say this to you *again* with so much love: You didn’t stay because you’re stupid. You stayed because that version of you genuinely thought she had no other option. And I want you to forgive her, because she was surviving the best way she knew how.

You know what else is true? The reason why most women keep attracting the same kind of man over and over isn’t because men themselves are the problem. It’s because your trauma is choosing your partner before you do. 

Your nervous system is wired to find “familiar” instead of healthy. So even if consciously you’re like, “I want a man who shows up, who protects, and who leads,” your body is still scanning for the same emotional chaos you've become used to. This is why healing is essential. Not just for your inner peace, but so you can end this cycle of abusive relationships.

What may feel boring to your body now is actually what safety feels like: 

• Steadiness

• Groundedness

• Emotional maturity

That’s what you actually crave, but you’ve got to heal and rewire your system to be able to receive it.

If all of this sounds all too familiar, please know you’re not alone. You are not broken. You’re just stuck in a trauma loop.

AND here's the good news!! You can heal, rewire your nervous system, and begin a new pattern of choosing the love you actually want with a man who is safe, supportive, and loving. But, it will only happen when your body believes it's safe to receive it.

If you’ve never had that before and your body doesn’t even know what that feels like, then that’s the work. That’s where your healing begins. Not in fixing him or trying harder in your relationship, but in choosing to put your safety first and heal your nervous system.

***IMPORTANT NOTE: If you’re in a physically abusive situation and need immediate support, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or visit thehotline.org. You are not alone, and help is available.

P.S. If you find yourself desiring support in healing and re-wiring your nervous system, please join the waitlist for Queen Alchemy (opening again in 2026) and/or my 3-Day Immersion (tickets for 2026 open soon!!). You don't have to do any of this alone.