The 411 on navigating a text book narcissist

The difference between miscommunication and a full-blown narcissist, why you should be careful with labels, the textbook narcissist, my recent experience with one, and how to get out of these situations before your life force energy is sucked out of you...

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So, the first thing that I want to mention is that I do not easily slap labels on people. In fact, I think these days we are so quick to slap labels onto people and situations—even ourselves. Most of the time, labels actually give us a sense of comfort. We want someone to ‘diagnose’ us so that we feel valid to play the victim. In doing this all the time, the question begs: Does it empower or disempower us?

I think that a lot of us can be quick to say that someone is narcissistic rather than seeing it as a miscommunication, being triggered and being a bit manipulative in their reaction, or something of the like. And the difference is that those people just mentioned are not trying to power trip you; they are just hurt by something or reacting (but not trying to be an asshole).

Narcissists want to power trip you. As soon as they feel like you have power over them or have pointed out something that they’ve done wrong, they will flip it back on you because they want the power.

The most dangerous of all are those with a perfectly groomed facade of being ‘spiritual’ and ‘into personal development.’ I honestly believe that these people are narcissists because they are trying to manipulate themselves into thinking that they are good people. They want to believe it. Yet, in reality, they are awful people who will drain all of your life force energy if you let them.

I recently came in contact with a narcissist, and my healer, who is actually trained in personality disorders, said he was verging more towards a sociopath because of his actions. WOWZA. And of course, this man always makes me seem like the bad guy, yet I have insane amounts of proof of the unprofessionalism, abuse, and horrible actions that he made towards me.

So, what are the signs that you might be engaging in with a narcissist?

• They add way too much energy to situations that can be just an ‘okay, noted, thanks for letting me know’ kind of situation. Instead, they need to blow it up, twist your words, and make you seem like the worst person in the world.

• When you try to cool them down by putting down your sword, they continue to go on, being so defensive and still blowing something way out of proportion.

• When you are so confused about how they could go from what you mentioned to what they are saying, you don’t even know how to reply.

• When they keep repeating their words and act like you’re the crazy one.

• When they tell you that you are wrong for your beliefs or opinions, even if they use words like “no, that’s factually incorrect,” remember that you can find ‘facts’ for ANY argument you want.

• When they use words like ‘entitled,’ if you ask for a favor for which they don’t need to go out of their way, they will continue to blow a tiny thing into a big thing.

• When you bring something up that upsets you, they twist it so that you seem like the crazy one instead of seeing your side, making it not a big deal and apologizing.

The hardest part of dealing with a narcissist is when they confuse you because they act perfect half the time. And as humans, we are wired to forget painful times more easily than good ones. The rush of dopamine, oxytocin, adrenaline, and serotonin will easily override any bad memories of the person. This confusion makes it hard for people to get out of these relationships.

Whether you are a man or a woman, over time, we start to believe what the narcissist is saying, and we actually lose trust and power within ourselves. These people will wear you down so intensely that you will forget yourselves. This is why women (or men) always say, ‘It took me 5 years to leave.”

Often, something will happen where things get so bad that finally, all empathy is lost, and they will leave cold turkey. And this is still brutally hard for them for the months after. The back and forth in their head can eat them alive.

Narcissists are created by a person often having a very tumultuous upbringing where their parents were very hot and cold, confusing and emotionally manipulative, so they felt powerless. It establishes a psyche where these people only feel safe when they feel in control and like the one in power. Can these people change? Well, I believe they can, but often, things have to get SO bad for them, and they’ll finally look at themselves. Usually, it will take a come to Jesus moment for this to happen.

I would love to think that this man I’m talking about would one day change, especially given he’s a men’s coach. But honestly, his actions were so horrible in such a short time that I don’t know if he can. Of course, he was telling me about his most recent breakup and blamed her and made her seem like she just abandoned him. However, 10 minutes later, he’s being extremely manipulative, rude, and downright mean to me. I’m sure his most recent girlfriend left because she had that moment where she finally had enough, and clearly, he hasn’t looked at himself truthfully.

As I said before, he’s creating this illusion for himself because he works within the spiritual and personal development space. Yet, he’s the most unprofessional and abusive person I’ve ever worked with. I’ve never felt so uncomfortable on a photoshoot before and had someone rudely speak to me when I was paying them a lot of money.

So, how do you get out of these situations?

• You need to write down these behaviors and see them for what they are so you don't talk yourself out of what's really happening.
• You CANNOT believe you can change them (at least while you’re still in a relationship with them).
• You need to speak to someone that will not hold back at telling you to get the fuck out of there no matter how hard it is. This person will be the person that you can vent to, and they will hold you accountable (because you are literally under a fucking spell -- at least, that’s what it feels like).
• You need to work at giving the power back to you. This can take a while, but the more you bring yourself back into your body and in your power, the easier it will feel.
• You HAVE to understand how a narcissist works. They twist your words, make everything your fault, and will be nice to you 2 seconds later and act like nothing ever happened. This mind fuck is addictive as hell, and it will eat you alive if you are not HIGHLY aware of what they are doing.
• You have to leave based on F A C T S. DO not get your feelings involved. As soon as feelings come into it, they will use your feelings to manipulate you. 
• Join Queen Alchemy to heal this trauma and regain confidence in your power, body, and mind.

The main takeaway I want you to anchor into is not to slap these labels on anyone.

Understand that people get triggered, and we all react in different ways. And if someone manipulates you and twists your words but then apologizes and listens to how it hurt you - they are not a narcissist; they just have manipulative tendencies because of their trauma (we’re all human!!). You don’t leave room for their improvement when slapping labels on people.

But if they make you feel confused, stressed, on edge, and worried that you’ll always say the wrong thing ... then leave that situation stat, my friend.