Being homesick and a million miles away from your family and friends
Some days are better than others. Heck, some moments are better than others
You guys I’m all about feeling your emotions. But I also want to share with you the realness of my current situation.
I’ve gotten to a point where I can no longer let myself think of my friends and family and how far apart we are. I tell my family to stop talking when they say they miss me. I avoid the topic of conversation all together (ps crying right now as I write this)
If I was to be constantly feeling these things, I would get nothing done. I would go down a dark hole because I feel trapped. And some of you understand this feeling. You live in a good city, I have money, a great house etc. but I feel trapped. I am not able to see 99% of my friends and family (that live in Aus and America). I’m not able to host my events which light my soul on fire. And I will have the first Christmas without my family that I’ve ever had. I actually trained to be a ski instructor but have never done anything with it because I never wanted to not be with my family for christmas. THAT’S how much Christmas means to me. Christmas brings me so much joy. I count down each year to the time when it’s acceptable to start doing my morning dance parties to Christmas carols and when I can start decorating my house.
I’ll be that mum that legit changes the bed linden to be Christmas vibes and I put my dog in a new cheesy Christmas jumper each day.
I’m not sure whether it’s because I grew up in NYC so I was exposed to the Christmas vibe so early on or what, but I am the BIGGEST sucker for an epic Christmas. If I could, I would wear red and green every fucking day. But my friends have told me that they would not be caught dead in me looking like a blood Christmas tree (true story hahaha).
Nothing feels as painful as being so physically far away from people and not being able to just fly and see them. I have moments where I’m sooo happy (and they are 90% of the time) and then I'll have a moment where something has triggered my homesickness and I just want to wake up from this nightmare and be able to book a normal flight back to Australia for a week.
It sucks not being able to meet your first baby cousin (or 2nd cousin?? I dunno. But my cousin has her first baby). It sucks not knowing when you’ll see your friends and family again. It sucks that it’s been over a YEAR since I’ve seen my Aussie friends, my sister, my brother and my extended family.
I’ve gotten to a point now where I have to feel my emotions when they come and I can't hold them in, and then I have to bottle it up. I actually can’t focus on it too much, I can realllllly sit in it for too long or I would be a depressed mess. Yes I would be. And this isn’t about me being a victim...this is about my human self struggling during this year. I know it sounds morbid, but I understand why people are killing themselves this year more than ever. I understand why the suicide hotlines are out of control. I can’t help wondering, If i have pretty much every tool in the box and NO bad self-talk...then what are most people going through? Add on the pressure of kids, no income and no end in sight and it’s a match made in heaven for suicidal thoughts.
And then the collective pain of this hurts me more. The collective pain that i feel pulsing through my body as a result of being tuned in. Or the nightmares that i have about the world that we are coming in contact with. It’s a lot.
IT’S A LOT.
So whilst I’m so here for feeling alllllll the emotions if you’re stuck in the same situation as me. It’s also okay to suppress it so that you’re not a constant puddle of tears and heart-brokenness. Yes, it’s a protective mechanism and yes it’s causing my body subconscious stress and trauma but I don’t have another options. I have a company to run, clients that i love to serve, and a life that i have to keep living.
And going home to Australia isn’t an option for me. I know that I would struggle like i never have before if I was in a hotel room for 2 weeks. Just thinking of that makes me feel like i’m about to have a panic attack (and I am NOT an anxious person). Also, I don't want to then be trapped in a country. I don’t want to have a apply for a fucking exemption to get out of my own country. Like what the actual fuck?! Do we realise HOW FUCKED UP THIS IS GUYS????!!!
Covid has been hard for everyone. Whether you are in London, Melbourne, NYC, Africa, Asia or fucking Mars. It doesn’t matter what your circumstances are. Whether you are in complete lockdown or whether you just have to wear a mask everywhere, EVERYONES feelings, experiences and frustrations are valid.
If you have had a change in your circumstances -- you are allowed to complain. BOOM THE FUCKING END.
I’m over people saying that beacuse you’re privileged, white, black, wealthy, tall, short, skinny, fat, have both parents, or don’t have cancer .. that you aren’t allowed to complain and have a fucking moment. Um, you ARE allowed, it's just that everyone loves to rip others down to make themselves feel a little better.
We are all humans. We are all going through shit.
THE FUCKING END.
PSA for the Karens. I know I have it better than a lot of people. Obviously. AND I’m still allowed to struggle because I’ve had a change in my reality.
If you message me something rude or a projection of your own shit, I will block you. I’ve had enough of people that clearly need 500 orgasms coming at me with their 2 cents.
I hope that this has helped some of you just validate your experience. WHat you are feeling is valid, welcome and allowed. You are not wrong for being over this BS.