Today I am talking about the submissive and dominant dynamic (sub dom) outside of the bedroom. The reality is that for majority of us, this is what we want, a sub dom kind of relationship. When we think about it, it is really us following our biological urges and our natural desires.
LISTEN TO EPISODE 225
For majority of us women, we want to be led by a man. We want to be in our feminine, cherished, looked after and provided for. Men want to pursue, dominate, lead, provide and protect. There is nothing wrong with those desires, society, politics and the media basically make us feel wrong for those desires, like there is something wrong with us.
Your desires in the bedroom really guide you for what your desires are in life. What I want to invite you to think about is, based on the things that you want in the bedroom, what does that tell you that you want more of in your day-to-day life? We will often give ourselves permission to act out and desire certain things in the bedroom because they can be seen as sexy and kinky, but we ignore the fact that we are so often craving that just on an average Tuesday at 12pm. It’s really beautiful when you can take that sub dom dynamic out of the bedroom and place it into your everyday life. Sex becomes less about being ravished every time and becomes more of an opportunity for more intimacy and connection. When the sub dom dynamic is present outside of the bedroom, your sexual needs of being able to surrender and being led are being met so heavily outside of the bedroom you don’t rely on sex as an escape.
Part of allowing yourself to have more of that sub dom relationship is healing your relationship with yourself but also with the opposite sex that you are with. For us women, healing our relationship with men, learning to not emasculate men and cultivating more safety around men is the essence of what allows us to receive from men. Women can get themselves into unhealthy situations in the bedroom because they don’t let themselves receive outside of the bedroom. If you are a woman, think about your relationship with men, platonic and romantic. Majority of women have a pretty fucked up mindset and story when it comes to men. When this is the case, your reticular activating system only sees shitty men because your brain is filtering out 70% of what you see every day. So, all you are seeing is that other 30% of shitty men because that is your story in your head. If you heal your relationship with men, if you stop emasculating and begin to understand the truth of men it allows you to have more compassion and helps you to release those negative stories.
If you are wanting men to lead you more, you need to let them be men. A man is not going to be more dominant around you if he doesn’t feel safe to do so. Then when they start doing it, you need to start to receive it. You need to make them aware of how happy their dominance makes you feel. If you want him to be dominant, please make sure you are giving him the space to do so and that you are being submissive, receiving and letting him lead. Men just want to make us happy, if you ask him to act in a certain way but then don’t receive it and he feels like he has made you unsafe, you are traumatising him because he doesn’t want to do that.
Please make sure that you are not putting your expectation as a woman onto a man with communication etc. The reality is that men communicate so differently to us, they show love differently to us, they behave differently to us, the way their brains work is so different to us and if you are putting your expectations that you have on other women on to him, it’s not going to get very far because he is a man.