176: Sex Life (Part 1) | Desire & sub/dom f*cking, addiction & manipulation, mother/lover archetypes
This is a mini podcast series all about SEX LIFE. Not my sex life, lol, but the Netflix show that everyone seems to be obsessed with.
As you may of seen on my IG stories I've already watched it once, and I'm re-watching it to refresh my memory to record these episodes (had a LOT of excited DM's from you guys who are VERY keen for this!)
I'm going to be talking about two episodes per podcast ep. If you want to understand, you'll need to watch Sex Life. The reason why I'm doing this is because I want you guys to start realising these patterns so that you notice when there are unhealthy patterns, wounding, behaviour and trauma in your life.
This ep is about episode 1 & 2.
I dive into:
The struggles that mothers have postpartum
Sex drive and the difference between men and women
Mother and lover archetypes
The feminine and wanting to feel desired
Addiction, manipulation and trauma bonds
Communicating sexual desires
Sexual shame around kinky, sub-dom sex
What do I like seeing from Sex Life?
They do a really good job showing the struggles that mothers can have postpartum, which is really important. It's so easy for us to all assume that the men are the ones that have the affairs, fantasies and/or aren't happy with their sex life, but honestly ladies more often than not, my female clients have a higher sex drive than their partners. I also have male clients that have a higher sex drive than their partners, but from a % basis I'd say 70% of women that I've come across have a higher sex drive than their partner. Remember that when it comes to sex, if men are exhausted, they don't want to have sex because their the one in control, but if we've had a stressful day we (women) want to be fucked because being fucked is allowing our body to get into our feminine. So, it can be very rejuvenating and relaxing to have sex. Whereas, for a lot of men, if they've been stressed all day the last thing they want to do is go and fuck a woman in the bedroom because it's more work, it's more energy output.
Let's break down episode 1 & 2:
The mum is bored with mum life and doing the same thing all day. The feminine needs range, creativity, and change. We thrive on different places, our senses want to be activated in different ways. We do not thrive on structure and doing the same shit each day, but men do. So naturally, her brain is going to go elsewhere...
Something else that you might have seen, is that they flash through all of these crazy moments of Billie's sex with Brad, but they also flash through the bad moments of how her nervous system was so jacked out by the time she met the Husband, Cooper. She's remembering all of the good times, over the bad times, and this is what humans do. This is why women who get into narcissistic relationships, they find it so hard to get out.
The other thing that we can pick up, is that Billie is wanting to be forced into her feminine and out of the mother archetype. She wants to be fucked into the lover archetype. She wants to not feel like a mum all the time. She wants to feel like she is DESIRED. Women want to feel CHERISHED. And if they aren't feeling wanted, then we will go elsewhere to get it. Just like if men aren't feeling respected, they will go elsewhere. When a women is deeply in her feminine, she craves the feeling of being desired and ravished. Typically, when a women goes into motherhood she will become more feminine, emphatic and warm because of her children. You can tell that she was tapped into her feminine in the beginning because she was very sensual, liberated, free, and her energy was in her body (not denying that there was some very wounded feminine in there as well).
She became addicted to Brad, because she saw another side of him (when she guesses his childhood). She feels special when he tells her "no-one has seen this side of me". And, what this is doing is allowing Billie to get addicted to this idea of 'I am seen', 'I am special', 'I am wanted' (which screams daddy issues, because she's probably spent her whole life wanting to feel seen by her dad.
Billie begins to have flashbacks of her free, liberated life, and then she's coming back to her adulthood where she feels lost and like she lost a part of herself. The thing is, instead of her moving through it and feeling the anger, sadness, heartbreak and despair, she's trying to go back in time where she felt "alive". The reality is, if you never allow yourself to feel something, you can't move through it. What she's telling her brain, is back then was better, and now is bad, instead of her recalibrating her nervous system and mind to be like 'now is fun, I need more lover archetype, how can I communicate that and get that in my current life'. She is saying that Cooper the husband can't give her that, and is going back in time, rather than communicating with Cooper her desires. She's obviously never been taught how to properly communicate and there's an element of shame around her sexual desires towards Cooper.
We can probably draw this in to wounded feminine. A lot of women have sexual shame around wanting these kinky, sub-dom situations, wanting to be slapped, wanting to be fucked, wanting to be thrown up against the wall. And I know this because every single round of QA I ask the question 'what do you want?' and the answer is always the same. It's always about wanting the man to be more dominant, wanting to be fucked, tied up, blindfolded, spanked, try new things, have threesomes, use toys, try anal... and their afraid of voicing it because they're afraid of judgement. But I can tell you know, the majority of good men won't judge you and will be like 'count me the fuck in'. You just have to ask for it.
Maybe this is triggering for some of you. And if it is, I'd really consider doing the sexual trauma work. This used to be triggering for me because of my sexual trauma. The thought of someone chocking me, having their hands too close to my neck or being too dominant was a full fuck no. And now, I'm the complete opposite. The reason why women like this type of sex is because you're so in your feminine and you get to receive fucking pleasure. Especially in a very masculine world, that sub-dom situation can be so nourishing to your body.
Billie and Brad, they have a trauma bond. If you haven't listened to my episode about trauma bonding, listen here:
Billie and Connor have a secure relationship. You'll notice she has talks about the rush with Brad, and Cooper feels like home. That's the difference between a trauma bond and a "soulmate" relationship. You want to be in a relationship that feels like home.
When it comes to Cooper, his masculinity is threatened when he reads Billie's journal and sees the pleasure Billie gets from this angry/ sub-dom fucking. He feels threatened because he feels like he hasn't been giving Billie what she wants, and therefore he is a failure of a man. This is why it's so important to communicate to men what you want.
I know some of you said you were triggered by the angry sex on the kitchen counter. It wasn't a sexy sub-dom situation and he was pushing that anger into Billie. It was still a classic sub-dom situation, so if that kind of stuff triggered you there's some work I'd encourage you to do around the feminine and masculine, letting men lead and you feeling safe to surrender and speak your boundaries.
In the library and on the train tracks, he fully manipulated her in these scenes. If you didn't pick this up, go back and watch it. She was being a man pleaser, got onto the train tracks (even though she didn't really want to), then there's a huge adrenaline rush of the train coming, he grabs her and saves her, she feels safe with him (hero energy), and they kiss, there's another HUGE adrenaline rush, and rush of oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin. Now, this is a perfect case for an addiction. Anyone would get addicted to a man that did this to you. The addiction isn't something you're necessarily aware of or in control of because it's the chemistry in your brain.
This is the start of her addiction to him. We also know further on that he has really bad relationship patterns about self sabotage and intimacy issues (which I'll dive into in a future ep). The husband is addicted to reading her journal, because how can he not be!? He is now sucked in, because this is his gateway into being a better man. And let's be honest guys, as human beings, there are all these secrets and we want to know the stuff we shouldn't know. We're curious by nature.
Stay tuned for my next episode where I'll dive into episode 3 & 4.
And last but not least, Queen Alchemy is open for the last time this year. You know if you want to join.